Film News

If I could make a career out of punning, I would. (Ideal job: New York Post headline-writer.) Elton John owns a film company that is obviously letting some dudes live the dream. Forthcoming from the company are movies called Pride and Predator--Austen meets aliens!--and also Gnomeo and Juliet, which is about a gnome. Gno joke. I submit the following to Elton:

Pride and Punishment: The Darcy's (having survived the alien attack) make a trip to St. Petersburg. WILL THEY MAKE IT OUT ALIVE? Directed by the guy who did the Saw movies.

All the Pretty Houses: Adolescent boy leaves home on horseback to become a real estate agent in Mexico. A really stark and violent real estate agent.

The Hun Also Rises: Two words: Expatriate Attila.

Jane Air Bud: Period piece costume drama about a governess with a golden retriever that is preternaturally skilled at basketball, which hasn't been invented yet. Marlon Wayans in a fat suit and white face stars as the governess.

Moby-Crick: Molecular biologist Francis Crick has just discovered DNA. But then he accidentally splices his DNA with a whale's and creates an unspeakably unutterable human-animal hybrid. Will it ever find love? Marlon Wayans in a fat suit and white face stars as the whaleman.

The Raves: Imagistic, meandering film told from multiple perspectives about a group of aging ravers.

The Post-Ironic Always Ring Twice: I've never read the book, but whatever it is except with hipsters.

A Fartbreaking Work of Staggering Genuis: Po-mo biopic of Le Pétomane (trans. lit. "The Fart Maniac"), a 19th-century French vaudeville star famed for his fartistry.

The Rime of the Ancient Seattle Mariner: Hoary sea captain gets lost in the Bermuda Triangle, is timewarped to present day Washington. Has a killer knuckleball. Climax of the movie comes when he kills an albatross with one of his pitches.


Let me know if you're interested, Sir Elton.